You’ve recently broken up with your ex girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse and your heart is breaking, you’ve got physical pain in your chest, you are depressed and miserable. All you can think about is what could you have done to stop this and how can you get your ex back.
Although some relationships once gone are gone forever, many people do get back with their ex. But before asking yourself ‘How can I get back with my ex?’ The first question should be ‘Should I get back with my ex?’ In this article I will help you to decide if it is a good idea or not.
Is my relationship with my ex worth saving?
It’s natural that when we feel rejected, we want to get rid of this feeling, and this can cloud our good judgment, it’s so horrible to feel that a decision like this has been taken out of our hands and so we want that person back often regardless of whether we were ever actually happy.
Also when we’ve split up with someone we’ve been with for a long time, or even someone we pictured being with for a long time, the split leaves us feeling empty and lonely and so we romanticize the past and crave our ex partner back again – again clouding our good judgment.
Here are some tell tale signs that you need to get over your ex, not get back with them
1. Your relationship was physically or mentally abusive
I dated a narcissist who was alternately cruel and then very kind. He constantly worked on knocking my self-esteem, isolating me from me friends and turning me into a completely different person. He used to almost weekly threaten to break up with me, and we would have horrific arguments caused by him approximately weekly where he would let me think he was on the brink of breaking up, and this made me desperately want him not to. The constant arguments and his manipulations also clouded my good judgment and stopped me seeing clearly enough to realize he was horrible.
If you have been physically and/or mentally abused by your ex please do not get back together with them, instead read on to find out more about how to break free.
2. You used to argue all the time.
This is a tricky one. If you only started to argue a lot at a certain point in your relationship, or over a certain issue, then it may be related to one issue that can be fixed. Most breakups in the end are due to lack of proper communication, so if you can sort out the thing that was causing problems by talking in a calm way with your partner, it can be fixable. But if you found that through your relationship you mostly argued a lot, ask yourself is it really worth going back with this person? Are you happy to always be arguing for the rest of your days? You miss them now but can you try to imagine a relationship that was easier with much less arguments?
3. Your partner has been sleeping around
Sadly many people cheat and make mistakes when in relationships. If your partner has cheated on you and it was just a one off mistake, you may be able to forgive them and move past it, as long as you can reestablish trust between you. But if your partner was sleeping around or having a long term affair, this shows very serious problems in the relationship and it’s worth asking yourself if you really want this person back. Can you trust them not to do the same again in the future?
4. You remember more lows than highs and happy times from your relationship
This might sound obvious but many people who have just been dumped forget to ask themselves if they were ever really that happy with their ex, or they start to romanticize the reality of their relationship. Think hard about all the times you had together and ask yourself is this person really the one to make you happy, or were you just clinging to each other despite the reality.
5. You want completely different things for your future
With any relationship some compromise is necessary on many subjects, including what your plans for the future are. But ask yourself is it really possible to get what you both want. If for instance you really want children and your ex definitely doesn’t or vice versa, this is likely to be a big problem for you in the future. Similarly if one of you dreams of a free hippy lifestyle and the other wants a settled secure 9-5 job style lifestyle, will you both really be happy in the future whatever you decide? Many things can be compromised on but be realistic about whether you are suited in the long term otherwise this problem will just come back to bite you later on.
How to decide if you should try to get back with your ex
If you find that you have identified with any of the points above then there is a really big likelihood that you should not get back with your ex. But maybe you still want to, or maybe you didn’t identify with the points above, so then what should you do?
Top Tip: WAIT – yes wait at least one week but ideally one month to see how you feel about your ex girl or boy. By this time the shock of separation and the breakup should be starting to recede a bit, and you may be starting (even if slowly) to adjust to the idea of single life again. If your relationship was not worth saving you will start to feel feelings of freedom and relief and so you know that it is not worth getting back with your ex.
I still want my ex back, what should I do?
If your partner was abusive, cruel, or you were always arguing, and you still want him or her back, I suggest that you may benefit from counseling to help you get over them and build back self-esteem. You can also read my helpful article on how you can get over your ex.
If your partner does not fit any of the points above and you decide your relationship is worth saving, then take a read of my article Can I get my ex back? To find out how likely it is you can get your girl or boy back and the first steps to take in doing so.
With Love from The Love Queen