If you are wanting to get your ex back and wondering if you can, then I will help you find out how to do it in this article.
I’ll tell you the most common reason that people break up and some tips on how to begin to get your ex back.
What’s the most common reason people break up?
What do you think?
Money stresses? Infidelity and cheating? Boredom, Arguing a lot? Realizing you want different things? Not spending enough time together? Spending too much time together? Met someone else? Lack of sex?
Actually, although all of these things are often key factors in why people break up and end relationships; the most common underlying reason that couples split is lack of communication. Whilst all those things I mentioned are often involved, these are not the things that actually cause the break up – instead they are usually the symptoms.
It is the lack of keeping connected, and not communicating feelings and ideas that really makes the rot set into a relationship.
How lack of communication causes breakups
Let me paint you a picture to give you an idea of what I mean. Laura and David had been together for five years. At first their relationship had been really great, they were like best friends and loved spending time together, so much so that they were rarely apart.
Like any couple they argued occasionally but both disliked conflict and so got into a pattern of not dealing with problems, but just ignoring them and being the great friends that they were.
The honeymoon period ended and they began to get to know each other better, seeing the faults and the real person instead of the fictions that we often create when we first date someone. Insecurities, problems and differences began to creep in to their relationship but they didn’t talk that much about it, perhaps arguing when they had had a drink sometimes but not seriously discussing their issues.
Both Laura and David begin to feel disillusioned, “maybe this person doesn’t really understand me like I thought“. But at the same time they are still great friends so they continue to spend time together ignoring these issues.
They become wrapped up in each other’s lives through habit and stop doing things independently and soon find that the relationship is going a bit stale and they mainly watch tv with not much to say to each other. Things decline and they start to argue more, but by this point there feels like so much has happened between them but gone unsaid that it feels almost impossible to sort everything out. They have less and less sex, which further weakens the relationship.
David suffers from depression, which makes him want sex even less, but Laura does not understand why and feels she is not sexy to David. Both partners feel less reassured and begin to look for comfort and complements elsewhere. Neither partner cheats but both begin having ‘emotional affairs’, trying to regain that lost sense of intimacy and desire.
They argue more and more but not about the real issues since these have become so buried in the mist of time. Eventually they realize that neither of them is happy, and not knowing how to fix everything they eventually break up.
It happens all the time
This story is in fact not so far from my first ever long term relationship, with my first love. In one way or another it is similar to many breakups of long term relationships, in that lack of effective communication and ignoring of issues led to a feeling of separation and not knowing how to bridge the gap. We were both young at that time and I was going off to university so in the end we felt it was best to leave this relationship, and not to try and start a long distance thing when we were not strong enough.
But for many relationships that break up due to lack of proper talking and communication, (remember other things are just symptoms!) The good news is that they can be saved.
How can I use this to get my ex back?
If you look back and feel that lack of communication lead you to the things that caused you to split up, then that is great news as it suggests you may well be able to get your ex back.
I say may because sometimes relationships cannot be won back, sometimes the other person has met someone else and wants to stay with them, or sometimes they have really made their mind up and you can’t change it.
But if you relationship was really a good one that just went awry due to miscommunication and other problems, then the chances are that your ex boyfriend or girlfriend does still feel strongly for you and could be convinced to get back with you can sort out your past problems, you just need to make him or her remember why you got together in the first place.
You are also in a better position if you have recently split up with your ex, or if it was some time ago but you are still in communication now.
Stop contacting your ex (for now)
If you have recently split up and even maybe if its been a while, the first thing to do is to not contact your ex partner for a about a week or so. There are a few reasons for this,
Firstly it allows you time to consider if you really want your ex back, or if you are just reacting to the split.
Secondly it helps to address the power imbalance that happens when you get dumped.
As the dumpee you are cast into the position of neediness, and this is not a very flattering position to be in! Any needy comments or texts you might send begging for them back or saying how much you miss them will only reinforce this and push your ex further away.
Now I’m not advocating you be cruel to your ex, but human psychology shows us a power imbalance occurs when you are dumped and if you hassle them, or become needy this can really work against you. By withdrawing temporarily you take back the power and hopefully get your ex missing you and wondering if it really was a great idea to break up with you – remember if your relationship was good then they most likely still love you!
Recreate friendship and intimacy to get your ex back
After creating this space the next thing is to gradually draw your ex back in, casually at first but working towards creating an intimacy that will allow you to talk about the issues that split you up.
Whilst you may have tried to talk when you were still together, or when you were actually breaking up, at this point you both don’t yet have the distance and clarity to see exactly what is the problem between you two, or how to fix it.
When you have broken up but resumed contact (without neediness) you have a unique opportunity to address things and fix the relationship issues, resolve hurt feelings and tension that remained buried when you were together.
If its worth fighting for…
This step can be complicated and requires some consideration. If you’ve read my “should I get my ex back” article and decide you really would like to give it another try with your ex then I highly recommend this excellent text your ex back program, as it combines the power of the text with relationship and psychological triggers, and good relationship advice to help you save your relationship. You can read my full review of it here.
One of the good things I like about it is that it is a step by step solution of how to do everything, so you really just need to follow it and see what happens. You’ll find out when to text, what to say and how often to do it.
There’s also forum where you can talk to others who’ve recently been through a breakup. This is great because hearing about people’s successes gives you the confidence to try the techniques for yourself. It’s also good to have people who understand what you are going through to talk to especially when your friend and family are tired of hearing about it.
If you or your partner is not a fan of texting or IM then my alternative choice would be this ex back strategy – called the Magic of Making up. It’s not quite as step by step as the text your ex back program, but it does contain lots of specific advice and much information about how to resolve communication issues, and even a letter template to help you to know exactly what to say when you connect with your ex again.
Get your ex back now
Sure you want your ex back? If so then watch this helpful video to find out how to start texting your ex back today, or if you don’t want to text, visit this useful site to find out the next steps you can take to win back your ex.