Breaking up is of course never fun.

Even if you remain on amicable terms with your ex, it can be gut-wrenching to see him or her with a new woman or man.

Sound familiar? You want to get over your ex, but you keep bumping into him or thinking about her. You may be wondering, “How can I get over my ex when I am constantly reminded of our break up?”

Unfortunately, there is no magic recipe to moving on with your life, even if you consider yourself a Love Queen like me. It all comes down to perspective and life experience, which is why I decided to share my story to help you understand yours.  

Further down you’ll find some practical tips and advice on getting over your ex.

My Breakup Story – The Little Girl

I remember my first and last painful breakup. It happened shortly before I met my husband, the Love King. It was a tumultuous relationship with lots of game playing.

As a writer, I spend a lot of time analyzing situations. I’ll never know why our relationship was so explosive and ultimately toxic. I think we were highly physically attracted to each other, but the spiritual connection wasn’t 100% there. A physical relationship is intoxicating, but it doesn’t always bring the kind of challenges and kinship a physical, mental and spiritual partnership does.

My ex left me with a void. Our unstable relationship made me question a lot of things; mainly if I was the kind of woman that attracted committed, stable men. I wondered if there was something wrong with me, if I was doomed to live with three cats in a cottage by the sea.

Break ups affect women in different ways, but if you considered yourself in love, there may be a small part of you that feels the anguish of childhood or the rejection of early first love. It’s like the lyrics in Bob Dylan’s song, Just Like a Woman:

“She takes just like a woman, yes she does. She makes love just like a woman, yes she does. And she aches just like a woman. But she breaks just like a little girl …”

I think this line tells the story of every break up. In the end we all break like little girls. We return to the most basic emotions of childhood.

For me, I returned to that the little girl that felt she never quite deserved her friends or academic recognition. I’m not a psychologist. So, I can only assume why I felt underserving. Maybe it was because my mother (though loving and doting) was something of a perfectionist and in that pursuit of perfection was critical of me.

Continuing the patterns of childhood, I spent many hours wondering what part of my character was to blame for the break up. Of course, there were parts of my character that contributed to the end of the relationship, but there was not one thing that could have precipitated the break up.

You see. It takes two to tango.

Women need to remember this basic rule of life and absolve themselves of any guilt or confusion they feel in the weeks and months after the break up.

How I Got Over My Ex (and how you can too!)

Yes, it’s important to learn from past relationships, but dwelling rarely helps. There are ways you can invite new relationships into your life.

Here are a few tips:

• Acknowledge the situation for everything it is and isn’t.
• Allow yourself 30 minutes to dwell each day.
• Slowly, but surely reduce the number of minutes each day.
• Take a deep breath and envision a door closing on this period of your life.
• Now, envision a new door in its place.
• What do you see behind this door?
• Concentrate your energies in making a new life and what that life will look like.
• Join a new club, dating website or take a holiday to help you get distance from the past.
• As a newly single person, you have precious time to reassess your priorities. After my breakup, I realized I needed to live alone for a bit. I was always surrounded by people, always in relationships, taking care of others. It dawned on me that if I didn’t make space for me, I might lose the real me.

What I did next to get over my ex

I found a beautiful studio apartment in Chelsea, London. It had a big window and it felt like something out of the Audrey Hepburn film, Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I sat staring out the window listening to a neighbor play Spanish guitar and I felt a deep peace within and a new found freedom that exceeded any feeling I experienced in a relationship. I surrendered to the experience of living alone to life as a singleton and loved every minute of it.

It wasn’t long before my battery was recharged. I felt empowered with a new perspective on life. I liked myself again. Of course, in a few weeks I would meet my future husband standing on a platform waiting for a late train, but that as they say is another story.

Breakups help you learn about yourself

I am a strong believer in fate. Looking back on my relationship with my ex, I view him as my teacher. Through the game playing, he became a mirror reflecting back my true values. Our relationship made me clear on what I wanted. Though I did lose time obsessing on what did and did not happen, I soon used the experience to find the relationship and the man I really wanted.

Right now you are of course hurting but please know that things can and will improve as you take steps like I did and follow this advice.  Why not stick around and read some more on how to deal with grief and breakups.

Kisses

The Love Queen